Sara’s Story – Shadows of Sisterhood: A Journey Through Grief and Growth
My name is Sara, and in 2020, as the pandemic cast its long shadow over the world, my personal life was unraveling.
At the onset of the pandemic, I went through a painful breakup and lost my job within the same timeframe. These two blows shattered my sense of stability and left me drowning in grief.
I was 24 when my relationship ended. It was my first serious lesbian relationship after coming out, which made it even more difficult.
When you’re young and in love, you believe relationships will last forever. But people change, or over time, you realize you’re not as compatible as you once thought.
The dreams we had built together, the shared laughter and tender moments, all disappeared in an instant, leaving behind a void that felt impossible to fill.
Simultaneously, I faced another devastating loss.
Losing my first job as a new college graduate was a harsh wake-up call. No matter how hard you work, in the corporate world, you are always replaceable.
That job had been more than just a paycheck; it had been a space where I had learned, grown, and built meaningful relationships. Losing it meant not just financial uncertainty, but also the loss of daily interactions that had become a part of my life. The combined weight of losing both my relationship and my job was overwhelming.
This was the first time I experienced profound grief. It was my brutal initiation into adulthood.
The irony wasn’t lost on me—while the world was falling apart, so was my life. The safety nets I had relied on were suddenly gone, leaving me to face the harsh realities of life on my own.
Escaping the Pain
After these two major losses, I started to spiral.
I turned to addiction—alcohol, substances, anything to numb the pain. Growing up, I had learned that uncomfortable emotions should be avoided at all costs, so I sought every escape route possible.
Some of the ways I coped:
- Going out all the time
- Drinking excessively
- Using substances to numb my emotions
- Seeking validation through casual relationships
- Jumping into unhealthy relationships just to avoid being alone
I did everything I could to distract myself from the feelings of failure and rejection. I kept running for years, but when you ignore your emotions long enough, they start to manifest physically.
And they did.
I got sick—really sick. My eczema flared uncontrollably, and I ended up in the hospital due to excessive alcohol consumption. My doctor warned me that if I continued on this destructive path, there would be serious health consequences. For nearly a year, I couldn’t eat or drink without feeling bloated and nauseous.
This was the price of self-neglect. I had spent so long running from my emotions that I had completely abandoned myself. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t even like myself.
Eventually, my mind, body, and spirit became so misaligned that I started experiencing panic attacks. That’s when I knew I needed help.
Embracing Solitude and Healing
This marked the beginning of my healing journey. I started therapy in the summer of 2020. Even though I had a degree in psychology, I had never taken my own mental health as seriously as I should have.
At first, I went to therapy inconsistently. I would vent, but I wasn’t actively changing my behaviors. My coping skills were still poor, and I continued to avoid dealing with my emotions.
I had always felt lonely, but I had masked it by keeping myself constantly busy. I thought that if I always had plans, I wouldn’t have to sit with my loneliness.
But I learned something important—when you surround yourself with people all the time, you can lose your sense of self.
I had been so afraid of sitting with my emotions that I had never taken the time to truly understand myself. Being alone forced me to confront the feelings I had long suppressed.
Then, one day, I was talking to a friend about how disconnected I felt. For the first time, I was experiencing true solitude—no distractions, no company, just me.
I told her how unsettling it was, how I hated feeling this way. And she simply said:
“It’s okay to feel alone. Maybe that’s what you need right now. And it’s okay if you don’t feel connected to your friends at the moment—you’re focusing on yourself. You don’t have to cut them off, but some distance won’t hurt.”
Her words stuck with me.
Healing isn’t about avoiding loneliness; it’s about learning to be comfortable with yourself in it. It’s about embracing solitude as an opportunity for growth rather than fearing it as isolation.
For the first time, I started to accept that being alone didn’t mean being abandoned. It meant learning who I truly was.
And that was the real beginning of my journey toward healing.